you completely ignored me at prom just a few days ago even though you were talking to my friend right next to me. and i smiled, trying to be friendly and welcoming.. but you didnt even give me a chance to say hi. you didn’t care. and then you send me a facebook invite to your graduation party? eff you— no i’m not going to go!!!
i know this is completely stupid, but i had been struggling for so long with the “well maybe we could be friends.” because i do wish we could be friends in the end.. but no. just because ‘it was a nice thought’ to do something so simple as click on my little profile pic to include me on the invite list to your stupid little graduation party on facebook, does not make up for being inconsiderate and rude. i know you dont care, if you cared you put in some real effort and show it. something that takes so little and with such a lack of sincerity does not bring us to peace. why would i go to a happy celebration of you when you won’t even talk to me? that’s stupid, this is stupid, he’s stupid. he shouldn’t of even invited me, i dont deserve to be invited, and we don’t deserve to talk to each other. he doesn’t deserve me at his graduation party, and i don’t deserve to go. who knows if if the last time i’ll ever see him has already passed.. and quite frankly, it. doesnt. matter.
So it wasn’t just Kris that “inspired” this post. it was that and a combination of that another unnamed event that got me all fueled up about mean people, and actually something semi-recent previous pertains to the idea also. this is a rant so its kind of weaving on and off topic. here it goes.
People need to stop making fun of others.. everyone at our high school has lived at least 15 years. Unfortunately, that makes it very likely that they have been through some type of shit. and no matter what that degree of shit it is, shit’s relative.
It’s like how when someone says “the world doesn’t revolve around you” and then you reply with “well it does in my world.” At first i thought that reply was snobby, but then i got to thinking about how its actually pretty true. i mean it doesnt revolve around you, but your entire life is you. i think thats a little existentialist actually because that means your life is you and your living not necessarily to find meaning but you create it yourself. anyways, as i was saying.. people go through shit of all kinds.
Usually people are sensitive about those things they’ve gone through and a lot of times people act a way for a reason. I wish I took psychology because I’d understand a lot more about human behavior. And I know this is hypocritical because everyone has beezy moments, but a group of people hating for no reason? thats just ridiculous.
I want to live in an accepting world. i really do like the idea of acceptance and coexistence. that is a value that i feel is a meaning of our existence. If I were that person, or my child was that person, it would just be so terrible. stop making fun.. unless you give them a chance to prove youw rong. its just judging and thats unfair. and relating to the part inspired by kris.. if someone doesnt know something (like a fact), then they were just never taught that and thats just that.
Hmmm. yup. uhh, this is pretty inconclusive.
Tayler and I went to frozen yogurt today (second time in a row.. it really is addictive) and we sat outside to eat it! It was so lovely! We were talking about our ideal guys, because girls just talk about that kind of thing :P One thing she said that stood out to me was when her dad walked by (but couldn’t hear us), she said “I would want him to be funny like my dad” haha :) aw tayler. ((ps.. my one “requirement” for a husband would be that he would be willing to do the laundry because i HATE doing laundry ;)
Anyways, I was addressed with slight a concern. Some of my friends are worried about me, that I’d want kids so bad that I wouldn’t be fully in love with my future husband, I’d just want kids. Now this is not the case.. and I’ve never really been able to explain myself or defend myself because I’m not very articulate, and I’ve never actually thought about it.. so I’m just gonna blog about it. If I ever do read these several years down the road i’ll probably roll my eyes at myself right now. and this is way to wierd to post on my regular blog haha
I admit, I really like kids. I’m not a pedophile, I just have always liked to babysit. Right now I work at my church nursery. I love just about everything about it, playing with the kids, consoling them, teaching them, making and doing crafts, reading to them, playing games, getting them excited to do things. I’m not sure why. I guess I just like the toddlers perspective of life, and they’re so innocent that they have so much trust and love , giggles and enthusiasm. I like them just like some people like music, or sports or activities or reading or pets.
I think it is difficult to imagine myself and my husband. I can see me doing things with a guy when I grow up. going on walks, to the beach, sitting at home reading, cute stuff. But it’s hard to imagine him. Whoever I marry is already existing on this earth. right. now. He has been raised and is his own person. By now he has experiences.. a personality with a history. I will fall in love with him. My children, I will be in love with immediately. I can’t put a description on the man I’m going to commit myself for the rest of my life because at this moment, I have no idea who it is. I think its premature to personalize him and put expectations on him except for the things that I really value (like i dont want him to be big on drinking or do drugs, and he’s gotta have a goal or plan or interests or passion in life. and of course, like i said before, he’s gotta be able to do the laundry). There are guys I know right now and if I wanted, I guess I could imagine falling in love and spending the rest of my life with them, but I don’t really think about that. When I meet him and fall in love with him, it will just happen. It will take decisions and choices, but right now I have no idea who it might be. I feel like that is like asking to describe your best friend when you’re 40. I can imagine my friends that I have now way later, but trying to imagine a best friend that I have yet to meet? Imagining my children is so much easier and I get excited about them because (at least the first few years of their lives) i do have a passion for babies. Because in that I have so much choice. I think about things I would do with them, i would make their lunches, etc the same way I imagine doing things with my husband, and as a family. I do not fear that I will “settle” on a man just to have children. I like kids a lot, but my husband is very important to me.. I just don’t have a lot to say about him right now because i am an individual and so is he and i have yet to make that connection with him. Love, then marriage, then children.
I’m posting this on my less-used tumblr account because I’m probably getting really annoying talking about my tattoo on my main one.. and there’s not that many people following this one :)
Anyways, today I was thinking about tattoos and what I thought about them.
The whole permanantely-changing-your-body thing.
At first, I admit it’s a daunting idea. But then I got to thinking about it more.
And what first came to mind was a quote I posted on my other blog: “I don’t have a soul. I am a soul. I have a body.” Well thats what I believe. and when I die, my spirit is no longer in my body, my body will just be a body.. regardless of what I believe about the afterlife. I want to mark this body. Kind of like how I don’t think books should necesarily be in a perfect condition.. I like to consider that maybe a book is more valuable if its used, worn, loved. I’m not saying that I don’t care about my body.. I think taking care of it is extremely important because I appreciate it and am greatful. but I’m thinking more about the idea of just living my life. I have a body and it’s my bridge to connect myself with this world and experience it. Tattoos are like mutual gifts.
I’m not scared of getting sick or tired of my tattoo. I take comfort in viewing it as a conscious way of actively recognizing these ideas: even when my spirit leaves this body, the ink will remain which will be a significant tie for as long as this body exists.
Edit: Note on why I want to get my IB number tattooed
First of all, I think getting it is just kinda funky nerdy and fun!
But in all seriousness, IB has made an impact in my life. It represents all of high school: It represents all the friends I met in high school and all the experiences we’ve shared. It represents all the intellectual nerd jokes from my past and in my future. It represents the skills i’ve learned and will apply in my entire educational career. It represents both knowledge and wisdom. It represents a time in my life where I felt like I’ve done a lot of growing, and therefore, me. The list could go on and on…
I’ve lived a very fortunate life: My parents are still together. We are financially stable enough. My family, friends and I are in good health at the moment as far as I know. I have good relationships with my family and friends. I’m in a good education system and a safe community. I have supporting friends. I get to live happily, haven’t suffered from any disease or illness. I have just about all the rights I feel like I need. My job was given to me without me putting in much effort. I’ve never broken a bone, or gotten in a car accident. The only slight tragedy is I’ve had minor heart break, but I survived and thats nothing compared things I know everyone goes through. I know everyone goes through shit. Everyone gets broken, faith gets tested, life goes on. But should I be expecting something awful to happen to me some day?
Sometimes I wonder, if my biological parents not wanting me was “enough” bad to happen to me. But that can’t be because I don’t even remember that and I don’t feel hurt by it. and in the end, for the majority of my life this has not damaged me. I just recognize that that’s sad that parents in general give up their children.
I believe in karma to an extent, what I put in to the world, will return to me.
But I’m not that self-righteous! I don’t think I deserve this. Actually, what I mean to say is, I feel like I do deserve this, but so does everyone else. Maybe somehow I’m cheating the system, maybe I just got away. Maybe there is no system to how much shit people get, but if my friends go through hard times at such a young age.. it’s possible that all my bad stuff is just collecting growing more and more massive as time passes. And suddenly, it will hit me. hard.
I know I shouldn’t live in fear, but it’s just something I ponder.